After a lifetime of helping families with final arrangements, we can tell you that the most frequent questions we get aren’t about headstones, caskets, memorial services, or burials.

When people ask those questions, they really just want to know: “What do I do?” and “What can I say?”

The answers to these questions are more complex than general questions about funeral arrangements because relating to and supporting people when they’ve had a loss is very personal, and grief is a process unique to the individual. Etiquette, community, variable emotions, and sometimes even religion or spirituality must be considered.

This is all to say even if you’re well-versed in things that need to be done in the wake of a loss, it’s often difficult to know how to be there emotionally for people. What’s the best way to comfort a friend? How do you behave towards a colleague? Is it okay to mention the deceased’s name?

1. WRITE A NOTE and send it via snail mail, whether you’re a close friend or just an acquaintance, and do it ASAP. Acknowledge their grief, express sympathy for their loss, and let the person know you’re thinking of them during a difficult time. Not sure what to say? Read our article for suggestions about what you can write here.

2. COMMUNICATE WITHOUT EXPECTATION of acknowledgment or reciprocity. Reach out whenever you feel so inclined, but add a caveat that you’re not expecting anything back. “I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and sending love, no response needed” is a nice way to phrase it.

3. SHOW UP for the funeral, memorial service, wake, shiva, or any other events to memorialize the deceased, even if you didn’t know them well. Your presence will be noticed and appreciated. It’s important to acknowledge a death and its grief, and here’s why.

4. OFFER TO DO SPECIFIC THINGS for the person that’s suffered a loss. “Let me know if there’s anything I can do” is a well-meaning sentiment, but it’s overwhelming in the context of the moment. Suggest specific things you’re willing to do, like “I can drop off some meals” or “I’d be happy to offer childcare if you need to get out of the house.”

5. DO THINGS WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Cleaning the house, restocking toilet paper and food, and taking messages are all easy tasks that will ease the burden on a grieving family.

6. REMEMBER THE PERSON WHO DIED, both physically and memorially. One of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of memory. Grieving friends and family greatly appreciate photos, stories, notes, and remembrances.

7. ENCOURAGE THEM TO EXPRESS THEIR FEELINGSwithout fear of reservation or judgment. Avoid phrases like “I know how you feel,” “They’re in a better place,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” Give them time to grieve openly by saying, “Let it out. I’m here for you,” or “This really hurts.” Learn more about what you probably shouldn’t say, and what you probably should say in this blog piece.

8. EXTEND AN INVITATIONto the grieving person, just like you usually would. Having a party, heading to the movies, or going to dinner? Don’t assume they’re not up to coming—they can decide whether they’d like to join.

9. KEEP SHOWING UP. The grieving process extends well past the first week or the first month. Recognize that, and continue being there long after others have moved on. Just being there—watching a movie together, offering to stay overnight, bringing food—is enough. Be especially aware of holidays and other special days.

by David Shipper